I am searching for my identity

By Dr. José Luis Cabouli, MD

During one of the healing workshops I conducted in Mexico, I met Miriam (37). When I asked Miriam what was that needed to heal she answered quite literally: “I am searching for my identity. There is a part of my life that is not clear.”
Miriam ’s life had not been easy. Her father was Spanish and her mother Mexican, but Miriam was raised by her father ’s sister-in-law and her sister. Shortly after Miriam turned seven, these two women died twenty days apart. Miriam was then placed by her father ’s family in a convent boarding school. “I didn ’t understand what was happening,” Miriam said.
At fourteen, Miriam left that boarding school and found another one on her own. Shortly afterward, she converted to Judaism. Of her parents, all Miriam knew was that they had died and that her mother ’s name was Beatriz.
“I wander blindly,” Miriam told me. “As a child it was very hard. I wanted to die. I leave things unfinished. I want to know what happened at my birth. Why did I choose this?”
I was struck by Miriam ’s clarity in knowing exactly what she needed to work on. She went straight to the point, and not only that—by asking “Why did I choose this?” she was taking responsibility for her own story. With this premise I asked Miriam to go directly to her mother ’s womb before birth.

Sunday, February 23, 2003
Therapist: Take a deep breath, and at the count of three, you will go directly to your mother ’s womb before you were born. One, two, three. What’s going on?
Miriam: I already know that I won ’t be staying with her.
T: How is it that you already know you won ’t stay with her?
M: She can ’t be with me; she ’s not married. She doesn ’t want to give me up, but she has to. She ’s a woman from a small town, and she can ’t have a child out of wedlock. She loves my father very much, and he loves her too, but he is married and much older. His family is very elitist. For them, Mexicans don ’t exist. It ’s as if Spaniards were the pure race. My father asks his sister-in-law to take care of me. She doesn ’t have children and wants a little girl.
T: How is your mother feeling while you are inside her?
M: My mother is in great pain because she knows she has to separate from me. She feels anguish, and her stomach hurts.
T: Now, when I count to three, you will go back to a moment before being in your mother ’s womb. You will go back to the event that led you to have to go through this experience. One, two, three. How does it all begin?
M: Things didn ’t go well for me in other lives. I learned with great difficulty and through suffering. I ’m tired, but I need to descend in order to raise my consciousness. I have to enter someone ’s womb, so I choose my mother.
T: And why do you need to descend with this mother?
M: My life has to be hard.
T: And what purpose does having a hard life serve?
M: I have to overcome it. If I manage to open my consciousness, I ’ll be much better than in other lives. One difficult way to do that is to come through her.
T: And what do you hope to learn from this experience?
M: To learn to value positive things. I need to learn to recognize what I have and not live focused on what I don ’t have. I have to fight for what I want.
T: And how do you choose this mother?
M: I receive help choosing. There is prior preparation. I decide where to descend, but there are beings who advise me. They tell me to return and that it won ’t be easy, but they say I will succeed and grow a lot. They will help me.
T: Very well. Now ask your soul: what is the original event that leads you to go through this experience in your life as Miriam?
M: I abandoned my family. I think it was also in Mexico.
T: Very well. I will count to three, and go to the moment your descent begins. One, two, three.
M: I don ’t want to! I know I will be separated from my mother. But I have to be strong, I have to be able to do it. I have to come out, and yes, I will be happy. I will have a family. No matter what I have to go through, I have to succeed.
T: How do you enter your mother ’s womb?
M: First, one part enters; then, as the pregnancy progresses, another part enters. By the time I ’m born, I ’m complete. I am like a light, clear, luminous energy. In reality, being pure energy, nothing worries me.
T: Very well. I count to three and move forward to the moment of your birth. One, two, three. What ’s happening?
M: I ’m nervous; my stomach hurts a lot. I feel anguish, fear. I have to face many things.
T: Go on.
M: I have to come out, but I have a very big head. Poor my mother! It ’s going to hurt her a lot. But deep down, I don ’t want to come out.
T: What ’s happening that you don ’t want to come out?
M: I want to stay with her, but I know it ’s not possible. I feel deep sadness; my stomach hurts a lot.
T: What ’s happening?
M: I don ’t want them to separate me from that cord! I want to stay with her! I don ’t want them to cut the cord! When they cut it, I won ’t be with her anymore! It hurts so much! But I have to come out. I don ’t know whether it hurts her more or me. I ’m out! I ’m out! That ’s it!
T: And what ’s happening with your mother?
M: She ’s screaming; she ’s suffering too. She doesn ’t want to give me up, but she knows she has to, just like I know I have to leave.
T: What does your mother say to you?
M: She can barely see me, but she tells me she loves me and that I will be okay.
T: And what are you feeling at that moment?
M: Resignation. I knew this would happen. I couldn ’t stay there. I had to come and be born.
T: And what about your father?
M: He ’s not there; he ’s involved from afar. He ’s very worried about his own life and can ’t handle everything. He trusted his sister-in-law. She is very happy.
T: Very well. What is the encounter with your father ’s sister-in-law like?
M: I ’m in the crib. It ’s very nice. She will love me and take care of me. She ’s also dealing with things in her family, but she ’s very independent. She hugs me and kisses me. She ’s very kind. I feel deep gratitude and love for her.
T: Very well. Now, what is the most difficult moment of this experience?
M: When I have to come out.
T: And what are your physical reactions at that moment?
M: Suffocation. I feel stuck, and I let myself go.
T: And your emotional reactions?
M: Resignation. I don ’t want to come out.
T: And your mental reactions?
M: I have to be able to do it. I have to be strong.
T: And how does all this affect your life as Miriam?
M: I never resign myself or settle.
T: And what does it prevent you from doing?
M: Before, I made things very complicated. It ’s very hard to face people ’s rejection.
T: Now remember, what did you come to do in this experience as Miriam?
M: I came to grow, even if it hurts.
T: Now I am going to cut the umbilical cord so that you can complete your birth. By cutting the cord, you will become a free and independent being and will permanently release all these sensations. (I simulate cutting the cord.) It ’s done. You are now a free and independent being. Would you like to say goodbye to your mother?
Miriam: Thank you for carrying me for nine months. Thank you for being my mother.
T: What did your mother leave you?
Miriam: She left me love.
T: Very well. Now, to finish, ask your mother and father for the energy that belongs to you, the energy that is rightfully yours.
Miriam: Mommy, Daddy, I ask you to give me my energy. I need it to have my family, to care for my children and my husband. Thank you.
At the end of the regression, Miriam ’s expression had completely changed. Her soul was at peace. She had found her identity and her reason for being, and above all, she had understood the meaning and purpose of this experience. There is always a good reason for the experiences we must live, even if at first they do not seem like good reasons to us. Nothing happens without meaning; everything has a purpose if we know how to seek it, understand it, and accept it.
For my part, I thank Miriam for this life lesson and for granting permission to reproduce her experience here.